DO THIS AFTER STRESS AND TRAUMA TO FIND YOUR STRENGTH
- Emerging Strength Life Coaching & Counseling
Categories: Addiction and Recovery Counseling , Alcohol Counselor , Couple Counselor , Couples Counseling , Couples Therapy , Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor , Life Coach , Life Coaching , Marriage and Family Therapy , Marriage Counseling , Marriage Counselor , Marriage Therapist , Online Drug and Alcohol Counseling , Personal Leadership Coaching , Psychotherapist , Relationship Counseling , Relationship Counselor , Virtual CBT Therapy , Virtual Family Therapist , Virtual Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor , Virtual Life Coach , Virtual Marriage Counseling , Virtual Personal Growth Counseling , Virtual Personal Leadership , Virtual Premarital Counseling , Virtual Psychotherapist , Virtual Therapy for Depression
This blog looks at how to approach recovery after stress and trauma. In an ideal world, we would be coached with the expectation that life is hard and you can do hard things. We would feel accepted, secure, and significant. We would learn to take on bite size challenges that are appropriate to our age, experience, and purpose. Each week the challenge would stretch us a little farther, learning and growing along the way. This would create enthusiasm for a learning mindset, mental toughness, and emotional resilience. A deep understanding of identity and belonging would emerge. The rhythm of life would be sustainable, healthy, and fulfilling.
Utility of Self Care
Practices of self care develop and endure only to the extent that they have been tested and found worthy in the real world. The utility and importance of self care emerges as stress and trauma reveal them. Normal circumstances just can't expose such things.
Trauma doesn't have to be some news worthy headline or emergency room experience. Trauma may feel more like the last straw in a series of smaller injuries or a progressive contamination from exposure to toxins. Trauma can also happen to us as we witness trauma in others. However it happens, life is filled with stress tests that take their toll on us.
Our typical response to stress and trauma is often harmful. It is easy to turn to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, escapism, or other avoidant behaviors. They give us a quick feel good moment and we equate that with coping. These typical responses are not real self care. Self care is characterized by genuine good, kind, and healthy choices we make for ourselves. This might include eating broccoli, taking a long slow walk, or clearing your calendar of busyness so that you can pace yourself.
In order to find your strength you must avoid the traps associated with typical responses to stress and trauma. So let's look at common traps you should avoid if you want to find your strength.
Trap #1 Identity Issues
Who we are is critical to finding our strength. We are all unique in our personality, approach to life, our tribe, purpose, and our values. Identity is hard to communicate so let's simplify it with a shape analogy, "I am a square peg". In real life, identity emerges as we grow up and experience life. Imagine that the square peg suddenly sprouts a pyramidal limb. This emerging identity would require significant changes to your inner and outer world to restore the certainty of knowing who you are and where you function best. This happens when we go through major life transitions like childhood to adulthood, single to married, becoming a parent, losing one's parents, career changes, or illness/trauma. We want to know things like who are my people, where do I belong, where do I fit in, what is my purpose, what are my values and how can I live according to them. These questions are powerful and lead to deep and meaningful truths.
This is a complicated way of saying we feel depressed, anxious, frustrated, or burned out and don't really know why. We can be trapped in identity issues when we are uncertain about belonging, purpose, identity, or when we feel insecure, insignificant, or rejected. Knowing our shape helps us shape our lives properly. Getting stuck in the uncertainty of an inauthentic self drastically limits human flourishing. Finding your strength is a movement toward the authentic self.
Trap #2 Fixed Mindset
The mindset with which we approach things is fluid. There are many factors influencing how fixed or flexible we are including logic, emotions, and experiences.
On the fixed side of the continuum people tend to avoid change. They defend the status quo vigorously and become rigid. When we have a rigid mindset we lack enthusiasm for change and the opportunities that come with it. This sabotages us from our creative potential. Without creativity our problem solving becomes limited, we get stuck, and experience more of the negative emotions and situations of our life. The unpleasant emotions should be motivating change but that motivation is often stymied due to the fixed mindset. The fixed mindset leads us to self limiting statements like "I can't" or "that won't work".
What is called for is a more flexible learning mindset. The learning mindset is based on embracing challenges, seeing effort as the path to mastery, learning from failure, and persisting past obstacles. Learning mindset is evident by statements like, "I'm almost there" or "with more practice I will get it." As people find their strength they often report high levels of confidence knowing their life is on the right track.
Trap #3 Overwhelmed
Life will overwhelm us like rising flood waters. It happens to everyone. Getting stuck in a state of overwhelm is like drowning without the death. It's loaded with fear and it doesn't stop. This is very scary and could result in one being a shadow of their true self. When handled properly we learn that even in challenging circumstances we are okay. This is beneficial as it produces strong character and unshakable confidence. We often call this mental toughness. Mental toughness is the ability to feel fear, anxiety, or pain and act toward our values anyway. Mentally tough people are able to resist, manage, and overcome doubts, worries, and obstacles to success and flourishing. Shrinking back from these life lessons and their corresponding adaptations is a trap to be avoided for sure.
Trap #4 Stuck in Emotional Reactivity
Emotional reactivity happens to everyone. It's biological. It can happen when we are startled by a hornet buzzing about our head. It triggers a fight flight freeze response in a tenth of a second. Reason doesn't get up to speed for an additional half second. This becomes the first opportunity to return to normal.
Sometimes emotional reactivity happens due to a psychological threat. Like when underlying frustrations are triggered by the perception that your spouse is picking an argument. This can happen to the moist stoic of types. In part, by cutting off emotional contact as a means to avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions.
A third scenario involves the habit of stressing. This might look like PTSD, anger, anxiety, or panic. It comes about over time as we encounter stress and trauma repeatedly. It can bend our identity into a shape we hardly recognize. We might even get labelled as toxic.
No matter which type of emotional reactivity you might be experiencing there is risk of getting stuck acting in ways that hurt us and the people we love. Getting stuck bent out of shape can take a serious toll on us and our relationships. After an emotional hijacking it can feel like a hangover with consequences impacting daily life. This trap must be avoided if you are to find your strength. We have a need for emotional resilience. It is a strength that lets us bounce back when we have been bent our of shape. This skill allows us to remain emotionally involved and responsive which is a hallmark of emotional maturity.
Trap #5 Unsustainable Rhythm of Life
The last trap we are going to look at is perhaps the most important one for our long term best interests. The pace of life today is working against us. Since the industrial revolution life has been coming at us faster and faster with each passing year. In recent years the boundary of work-life balance has been obliterated. We are multitasking all the time which produces poor results and detrimental consequences to health, relationships, and longevity. Americans have more unused paid time off than any other industrialized nation. We run ourselves to death and become restless when we have a quiet day to ourselves. Our addictions to drugs, alcohol, and food are proof that the lives we are living have an unsustainable pace. In this respect the smart phone has not been our friend. If we remain trapped in this hectic state, we can expect a nervous breakdown, illness, or early death.
Instead we need to master the self and the minutia of daily life. People were meant to live life with a certain rhythm, from annual cycles to daily circadian rhythms we can benefit from a routine that makes us care for ourselves. Living at a sustainable pace and caring for yourself are critical if you are to find your strength. To live our best we need a healthy, sustainable, and fulfilling lifestyle.
Case Examples and Real Life Struggles
The following case examples are from real people who had real stuff happen to them, they got stuck in a trap, and eventually got some help and found their strength. The names have been changed along with some details to protect their true identities. They are included here to help you personally connect with this material. It's about real life struggles. Are you ready to find your strength?
Big Lou
Louie was a healthy young man. Big strong and hard working. He was a skilled blue collar guy, with a wife and kids when the event happened. It was an accident. Big Lou was in a car wreck on his way home from work. It broke his back and changed everything. Big Lou's career ended and with it a piece of his confidence. He was careful about the pain pills but the pain continued beyond the prescription. He became more and more unrecognizable to his wife and kids. Big Lou got stuck in a trap.
Katie
When the event happened, Katie was a middle aged women with kids and a career. For years Katie was having episodes of being sick and tired. She experienced one ailment after another, headaches, sinus problems, muscle aches, GI issues, joint pain, and extreme fatigue. But she couldn't just stop everything. She had to keep going for her kids and career. Eventually it was identified as an autoimmune disorder. Her own body was attacking her. Self care was met with her inner critic who was harsh and condemning. Katie got stuck in a trap.
Charlie
In his twenties studying engineering in college, Charlie worked a part time job, had an internship, and met a woman. The romance was intense. They had been talking seriously about their future together. He was in love with her and the life they were planning. He bought a ring and was ready to pop the question. He could see it all coming together just right. That's when it happened. She ended the relationship. Charlie couldn't understand. He struggled to do the things he used to be very good at. Everything came crashing down around him. Charlie got stuck in a trap.
Shellie
Shellie had settled into a new position at work. With her kids out of the house and on their own, she could take on more responsibilities at work and enjoy challenges that would have been too much at an earlier life stage. Her second marriage of 12 years was going well. It was a precious time of prosperity and success. Then one Monday morning her husband knew something was wrong. Shellie stayed in bed. She just couldn't face the day. For the next few months she struggled off and on with doing what she had always done. Shellie got stuck in a trap.
Jamie
Jamie was a high energy person with a heart of gold. For eight years she had been married. Jamie had grown accustomed to a lot of work; she served as a teacher, counselor, and basketball coach at the private school associated with her church. One of her activities involved leading a support group for parents of special needs kids. Everyone always needed something from Jamie and she was glad to help. It was important work and she felt important doing it. From the outside her life looked great but inside it was a wreck. Just before Christmas she broke down and told her husband what had really been going on. Jamie got stuck in a trap.
After Stress and Trauma
Stress and trauma can come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It doesn't have to be a tragedy on the news or require stitches. We can experience trauma vicariously, through repeated exposures, or in an overwhelming event. However it is experienced, we need to make a comeback. Growing stronger after stress and trauma requires practices that lead to recovery and self care. This includes a learning mindset, mental toughness, and emotional resilience. It requires a deep understanding of our identity and a sense of belonging. And those practices must be sustainable, healthy, and fulfilling. We can't always avoid the traps but when we get stuck; we can get help and find our strength again. The trick is finding solutions tailor made for you and your recovery.
A whole and mature human being is capable of experiencing the full range of human experiences while remaining relational to the ones he/she loves, and simultaneously faithful to their true self. If this is being short circuited in some way then you should seek help and get back on track as soon as possible. You are worth it. Find your strength.